Sexual Insecurities

Written 2015

I've never been in to many real relationships, but I've been in a ton of low-key dating, sexual encounters, exclusive fuckies etc...

I thought before I get deeper into turning my erotic page, not only in a place to release my ever sexual mind, but also as a journal for me to talk openly and think out loud about my experiences an thoughts.

I felt first, I should talk about being naked. I don't just mean taking my clothes and standing before eyes, waiting upon judgement. I mean, naked in the bit that comes with allowing another person to be with you in that manner.

I'm a firm believer in trading energy with physical touch sexual or not. 

I want the next person I touch in a intimate manner, to be one of all encompassing pleasure, vibing feelings of 'feel good'. To do this I have to really look my insecurities. 

Here are some or at least the things that instantly send me into a place of feeling vulnerable, and make me close myself off to people I'm currently being intimate with. 

 

Featured Photo: My 1st ever Successful under-boob photo. Every girl should take one! Its a angle that takes some serious practice haha

X: TENDER TOUCHES, I don't mind personal space being broken, we have already fucked, I was sweaty wet breathing heavy underneath you, so when I finish I crave the instant closeness. Before and after. I wanna trace the lines of my lover, hold hands, unashamed I want to sit in their lap, and run my fingers through their hair. Just being around them breathing them in deeply. EVEN if we have not fucked or will not fuck ( make love, fool around, whatever same diff ). When the person I'm found of, pushes me off, or doesn't hold my hand back or if they state that they don't like touches like that. I instantly shut a wall down, and stop trying to touch them all together unless its sex. I noticed when this 1st wall goes down, it takes a toll on me wanting to give them any affection at all. I feel, unworthy, or annoying. 

O: LETS GET NAKED, I love being naked, especially in front of people who make me feel like it's safe to be naked in front of them. I have the normal insecurities about my body, my skin not being flawless, my very normal cushion, my hair being a little messy. When I first sleep with someone I feel so open, like we can lay in bed or car or wherever in the nude. I can jump around, kiss their bare flesh, and not give a fuck because this person and I did something so open, and now my body can be open. I noticed if a person makes certain comments, or feels uncomfortable being naked around ME. Then I shut down and instantly want to cover myself. I take it so personal, and then I don't want to show my body at all to them anymore. Once again it makes me feel like, maybe I can't trust them, and they don't think I'm trust worthy to be naked in front of me. Such a simple thing. (I know this reaction is only caused by being insecure in my own self image)

X: DIRTY PHOTOS, Everyone who is on my IG and sometimes when I'm feeling it my FB knows, I post high provocative photo's, with some poetry or a quote. It's a hobby I am very passionate about loving your body as it is now. I take and give even more photo's not just artsy but down right sexy photo's and videos to those I'm involved with, and of course my group of Goddess women for support. Alas, if I send them any photo that is not just my artsy-ness and they do not show appreciation for it, open and say nothing, it makes me almost feel crushed like I'm no longer enough, and highly unappreciated.

O: SEXTING, I love writing obviously, so sexting is something I love to do often and all the time. I've never expected any of the people I'm flirting with to be very good at it, but I feel some response or openness about how they would like me, or what they would want to do to me, should be stated. I've been known to write a whole paragraph or so about what I wanna do to them when I get home. Just because that's me, and the best reply I ever got, besides a detailed story, was a simple reply of "come over let me make this happen for you" THAT SHIT DRIVES ME NUTS! Communication besides kissing is my biggest turn on. I'm so in my head that if I can not text you or vocalize and tell you my fantasies, because you laugh at what I like, or you ignore my pleas or requests or stories. It's not just a turn off, its a huge limit. This is because I want to go level 9000 with ONE person not 50 ft with 5 people. I want to try and explore more and that means talking and trust. So when ignored and blown off, I am made to feel like a freak or strange and maybe not normal at all.

Currently these are the biggest one's that I'm facing there is a ton of things I'm insecure about, and to be insecure is normal. I am working towards having a healthy outlook and being able to not feel so freakish about what I like sexually and what I actually NEED in my sex life.


As always thank you for taking the time to read, and assess what I'm talking about.

*This was written back in 2017*