A Premium Story

11.25.18
As many stories and journal entries that I have typed, I've never shared what actions lead me to be so sensually expressive. My whole life I've always felt like a held back under dog, who can win anything if I am just given the chance.

I've learned to live my life by a set of morals, and with them have experienced a lot, not all shiny funny memories. In fact most of them, are pretty bleak, and only because I have a way with words  can I make my pain sound romantic. Lot more lesson's and consistent changes.

This time, I'm going to talk to you on a personal level about my experience with selling my sensual art. Where I am at with all of that. I have gained a few followers and I admire that they care and support me. I guess this is really for them, because I made some changes and then I just kind of, disappeared, from a lot of social media recently. The older I get the more I want to just be around that real, the light that forces you to keep up with personal growth. I only crave to experiment to see what pushes forward and what works best for me, as an evolving person. 

So, I suppose we should start at the beginning, of this internet "almost cam-girl" story.

Back story: All my life I have been a sensual woman, very expressive physically, but was conditioned to think that, sensual was something to hide, or something to be ashamed of. If you wanted to be that kind of woman it made you "LESS" of a woman. My worth determined by what other's view me as and how many people have seen me, touched me, fucked me. The more involved you are with more people,the less you will have to offer a husband. (very old school) 

It was not until I was older, did I realize that this scope of viewing the world is to limited, for me. I think a soul is a soul, and a person is a person, no matter their preference of expression or job title. You are worthy of love, especially from yourself.  I have always admired the woman who fearlessly poses in front of a camera, their skin unlabeled to the world. The strength knowing judgement was coming and "standing" before the masses. Almost as if to cry out " I define my beauty! "  The knowing you are beautiful, and the power that kind of self knowing, is what draws me to erotic arts, and sensual photography. Secretly for years, I had built up my own little personal album of photo's, videos, and such of me pushing my boundaries on erotic photography. It never made me feel like I was less, it made me feel, still makes me feel as if I'm priceless. A piece of art work for other to enjoy and smile at, to express positive expression in my own safe environment.

Newly moved, I was faced with hardships. Things seemed hopeless, when I was given the push to take my art, and place it up for display.This was a scary jump for me, selling my photo's, not to mention video,of extremely vulnerable me. Photos I had taken for old lovers, sold. It was an idea given to me, that I was very scared/excited to try. 

The goal to express myself and sell my art, the art work being myself. I am no longer a nomad, so I can collect pretty items to wear, and finally focus on myself. Push myself artistically, and with all the pleasures being and having a community that supports me. I could be one of those woman, who stands before the world, true in her belief that she is in fact beautiful. With the sales, I would in turn be able to reach not just my debt-freedom, but maybe even some luxuries. 

The first month, was a lot of work, I was having fun. Gaining amazing followers and was encouraged, and people where wanting MORE! More content from me, my art was making people have a reaction and one of pleasure, that makes me swell with confidence and feeling ... well just feeling good.

The second month, was just as intense, things started turning into numbers, and followers, and more and more demands where scrolling my email. The money was making it so we where not on the streets though, and I found a better 2nd job that paid a little bit more! I began experimenting a lot more with video and was now doing daily content, plus snap chat, and updating instagram. More of a job, but the hype was amazing. The way people where talking to me, and wanting to be along side me, was really cool.

The third month, finally getting the hang of runnning a website and the active social media marketing. I began a tight schedule to be able to have always content, but realized, that was more then I could handle with 2 other jobs. After about 3 weeks of this, I started to resenting my endless work load. A "To-Do" list feeling rather then an experience, rather then pleasure. The show must go on! I kept telling myself, the worst part was having people steal content, get free content, fight with me over small things, that where not my fault. Then call me names an even certain followers started treating me with less Respect then I deserve because of  how I express myself. That disrespect is what eventually just made me shut down.
I gave it my all, I even cut out the webpage and began just using my social media accounts. That caused my friends to start treating me differently, the more I would broadcast, the weirder they would talk to me. When people off my dating apps or work found my instagram... Oh Geez, I never felt like I had any privacy anymore. I felt always watched and I just had to close my mental doors. The constant questions, of "what is sensual art?" " So I could see you fuck yourself?" "So do you want me to join in a video with you?" "I could make you my whore" . . . the list is a lot longer, and some things, I will not repeat. Now, for those who know about kink, being talked to this way, does not offend certain peoples. In fact, that kind of humiliation is a form of kink, in its self. Having tried that already, I know that, this is a hard limit for me. I do not like being talked to that way, I like being uplifted. So for this to be happening everyday to me, yeah, I almost snapped.

The extra cash, saved me from a dark place, and I am extremely greatful, but to do that full time? I don't think I could handle it, any longer then I had already done it. The money was not worth that kind of feeling...

So what about the rest, of it?
My snap, my erotic blog, the albums, my followers?

I still enjoy making videos and smoking nude and dressing up, but its not my duty to try and open everyone's eyes. I'm only wanting to experience this thing called life to the fullest on my own. I will continue to create sensual art, I'm still going to follow this path of sexually opening myself up to new things. Only this time, I will share, when and how I feel like sharing. I'm not going to stop my art, those who had stayed on as my followers, can always be my followers on insta and personal blog and podcast. I'll share with them whenever the mood strikes me.

My erotic blog, well that I'm defiantly keeping, I'm thinking of doing articles about the photo set's I've done, or use sample photo's to write short erotic stories. I enjoy writing and I think this style of just blogging will be better for me, and become once again, a pleasure instead of damaging my perspective on life. 

This life experiment, was not a failure. 

I have a thicker skin now, and I let things ago a bit easier. Most importantly it showed me how to pace myself, and how to better pick and choose my battles.

So, there you go.
Xo Naturesmuse
You'll be seeing me around.